Parenthood and Fear

I’ve been ruminating on being a parent a lot lately. Despite watching Todd and Gina with their 4 for 12 years before we had any children, and despite having been a child, and despite watching the movie Parenthood 20 times, there is still so much about parenting that surprises me.

The Fear, for example, that is ever present, though heavily hidden.

I am by nature an extremely happy person. I am blessed with a spouse who also sees the world as a place of opportunity and wonder and joy. But there are times when the realization that we have brought into the world three beings who carry our hearts around with them wherever they go…that realization brings me to my knees.

I love my life. I adore my children, adore my spouse. I know I am amazingly blessed. I know I got the fairytale. I know that as a white, heterosexual, financially secure woman, I have it made, and I have it oh so easy. Jeesh, of course I know all that.

But in the interest of honesty, with myself, and my children, and my future self…there are days when I’m exhausted emotionally. When the fear of knowing that these children will go out into the world and the world is not always a kind place, that fear threatens to cripple me. How could I have had children? How could I willingly have given over my emotions to these other beings? How do I turn off the voices in my head, but then I realize, those aren’t voices in my head…that is Buster telling me another story and trying to get my attention as I try to do something else.

Then I remember why we chose this path.

I was the holdout. It took me seven years to realize that growing our family of humans was the right decision for us. I still remember the exact moment I looked at Buds and said, “So, are we really going to do this?” (Have kids, I mean.) I was so selfish, and I loved our life so much.

Now I look back on it, and I can’t even remember what we ever did that was fun or interesting. It’s like another lifetime. Or like a boring made-for-tv movie that no one would want to watch.

Part of the reason we had children is because “that’s what people do.” It’s often the next step for people in a loving, committed relationship.

Even more than that, though, my re-writing of history tells me, we believed that the children we brought into the world would have something to offer. That we could raise children who could help heal and better the world. That is one point I still firmly believe: One thing I’m convinced we are doing.

Tonight when I snuggled Yessa into bed, she told me that her worst fear was that I wouldn’t want her anymore. And I asked her if she knew what unconditional love was.

As a parent, you feel the fear…and you do it anyway…