A Jumble of Family Feelings

Two weeks ago I went to visit my Uncle Charles. He’s the eldest surviving sibling on my dad’s side of the family, and he and my dad were in line in birth order, Uncle Charles, then Dad. He’s 84 now, and up until 10 days ago, he lived only 90 minutes away from us here in Nashville. It hadn’t really come up on my radar to go visit until his granddaughter Sheri sent me a message saying he’d really like to see me before he moved down to Mississippi to be here near his son, Chuck, Jr.

So, I went.

I hadn’t seen any of them since I was 10 or so. What I knew of them, I liked very much, but I just hadn’t seen them. And I’m not sure if it is aging or living with introverts, but I become more and more of a homebody as the years go by. That’s my way of saying that it was a bit of a struggle to get myself to go, but I’m so incredibly thankful I did.

There is just something about family that makes a difference. Sheri, my cousin, reminded me very much of myself. (She’s actually my second cousin. Her mom was my cousin, but due to our amazing family, Sheri is my age.) The way she talked to Uncle Charles to reassure him, check with him on decisions he needed to make, cared for him, and loved him…all this reminded me so much of my relationship with Dad. And she and I had talked before about family quirks that we saw in both of them.

And joking with my cousin, Charles Jr, was a great deal like talking to my brother, George. It felt so comfortable and welcoming.

Physically, seeing Uncle Charles was a lot like looking at my dad. Dad’s appearance was much leaner at the end of his life, but they had so many mannerisms and facial expressions that were the same, as well as similar verbal tics. It made me happy and nostalgic all at once.

It was a lovely, lovely day, and I loved spending time with cousins. Our kids are just fascinated by the fact that I have so many cousins. There were playing around with the math of it the other day.

“Mom, what if all Grandpa’s brothers and sisters also had 17 kids?”

Yup, my father was one of 17, all of whom survived to adulthood. I already have a large number of cousins, but 17 times 17 would truly be impressive.

One other connection between Uncle Charles and Dad: the reverence with which they held their mother’s memory. She must have been an amazing, strong, fantastic woman. Comments about my grandfather are best saved for another day, but Dad always said if his mother had lived, he would have ensured she wanted for nothing. I wish I could have been there to help that happen.

Missing from this picture: Uncle Lloyd and Aunt Penny.

This list only has 16 names, but there was a half-brother, Everett. I’ve never totally understood the family history there. So many things I wish I had asked Dad…

In the continuing quest to heal past hurts and understand my relationship with my father, as well as appreciate his gifts, another blessing from seeing Uncle Charles was realizing that Dad chose to stay. Uncle Charles joined the military, and wrote his story without much family background. I do not mean this as a negative in any way. My father also moved out of the house as soon as he could and joined the military.

But, after the military, he came back.

At Dad’s funeral, many of his siblings told stories of their youth, after their mom died, and what a difference Dad made in their lives. Having an older brother around to help with food and finances, and with career options, that left a large impression on many of them.

I cannot begin to understand what growing up impoverished in a family with so many children must have been like. But, the more I learn, the more I realize how amazing Dad was on so many levels, and how he was exactly who he had to be. I wish I had matured more quickly before he died so I could have better appreciated this.