Cherish

After dropping Monkey off at an appointment, I headed to the library for a few minutes of quiet reading. As I gathered my items to check out, a young white woman with 3 kiddos in a female, male, female age arrangement stood in line in front of me; attempting to corral the youngest little girl while the middle boy carried his pile of hardback picture books carefully, and the eldest daughter looked around her with interest. I held the door for them as we exited and the two elder raced up the ramp as the youngest attempted to follow.

And my heart cracked a little bit more.

So many people told me to, "Cherish these years when they are little, they go so quickly."

I am grateful for every single second I had with these three young people who chose us as their parents. (I choose to believe the soul picks the family.) I revel in knowing that I got the fairytale in so many ways. We have had so many travels and adventures and my children have had hundreds upon hundreds of hours together. Homeschooling was a gift we did not fully realize the ramifications of, and it has has been a blessing that has enriched our lives.

These last few weeks I've been trying to sort through all the many emotions I have about Buster and Yessa leaving for college in 3 days. All of us have big, mixed emotions about this upcoming adventure, but I am focused on understanding what I am feeling. Well meaning loved ones have played the same riff of, "It's going to be great. They'll love it. This is what is supposed to happen."

All of that can be true, and, I am still deeply moved by this coming break. The last 23 years of my life have been a constant balance of being a parent while maintaining a separate life and personality, plus a thriving marriage. I am both excited to have the time with just Monkey and Buds, while also knowing how my heart will crack when we walk in the door after dropping the two off for this next phase. I can wish them all that life has to offer, while also missing them in a way that makes my throat clog and my tears spill over.

I have several friends who understand this conflict of competing emotions, and in talking with Kel I said it reminded me of before we had our first kiddos when people tell you your life will never be the same, but you cannot fully appreciate what that means until after you have jumped the chasm into parenthood. I know that life has joy and laughter and grand adventures planned for all of us...they just won't be together as they have been for so long.

"The Good Place," my all-time favorite tv show, popped into my head, as it often does, with valuable insight. If you do not know the show, the scene is set the night before Chidi leaves Heaven, walks through the door into the unknown, and becomes part of the cosmos once again.

None of this is bad; not my emotions about the children going away to school, not their excitement and nervousness, not the new dynamics and habits that will be created by each of us as we strike out on our new hike through life.

It's just a different way to be.