Loss

Two of my best friends from college don't speak to me anymore.

I was in their wedding. They were two of the first people I introduced Buddie to on the first weekend he went home with me. They were both in our wedding. They were a huge part of my life for years.

And at some point, they stopped responding.

I do not know if I did something hurtful. I certainly might have. I can be unkind, inconsiderate, and flippant. Certainly there were years when I was very sure of my own grandeur.

Reconnection would mean so much. I have written them letters. I have emailed. I have called.

No response.

I have even considered just stopping by their house when I drive through their town on one of our cross-country drives one day. (Where is the line between concerned and stalker?)

I am grieving the loss, and also learning to acknowledge that they owe me no explanation. They do not owe me the opportunity to apologize if I did do something that hurt them. They don't owe me anything.

As much as I miss them and the joy and insight they brought to my life, and as much as I want to know that they are thriving and their kids are doing well, I may never know. I have to learn to live with never knowing.

It's really hard. I miss them.