Choosing When To Let Go

Rambling essay ahead. You probably want to skip this one if you aren’t a stream of consciousness person.

Church has been hard lately. I’m on the board and we’ve been dealing with difficult, complex issues that have brought to the surface some ugly, entitled, bullying behaviors from some people. Church leadership as a whole has handled themselves in a respectful, kind, thoughtful, un-anxious way. I’ve been so grateful for my co-leaders.

Especially when I found myself in the midst of crippling anxiety for several weeks due to these issues, I was appreciative of my colleagues who kept the process of discernment moving forward.

With church tomorrow, I’ve been pondering how I feel…and the larger issue around when do you “let go.” When is the pain and anxiety of connection more than the pain and anxiety of letting go. I imagine this is the process for folks who are pondering leaving a relationship.

If I were just a member and not on the board, I would attend the Beloved Community Covenant Group that Buds and I decided to join (It’s white folks trying to understand our own internal bias, how systemic racism benefits us, and how to break down those barriers.); And I would teach Sunday School, which brings me such joy.

I’d take a break from the parts of church that are not bringing joy and deepened spiritual connection right now.

But I am on the board, and I do have a life partner who supports and pushes me to be a better version of me than I want to be sometimes.

And I have children who are watching to see how the adults in our faith handle conflict and deeply held belief differences. It’s not pretty, but it certainly is enlightening.

Everyone we meet has a lesson for us; who we want to be, or who we don’t want to be.

I want to be someone my children want to emulate. Even when people are unkind and entitled, I’m working to love them.

I may not be able to like them, but I can believe in their inherent worth and dignity.

I’m not ready to let go yet.